You get what you ask for…

Today started off interesting and has progressively gotten weirder. I’m currently in the process of running my first mask in my very first mold with my first face mask sculpt. I’m sure it will turn out okay, I’m thoroughly hoping that my intricate design yields a positive result…and if not: I’ll make another and another. I can’t wait to start sending them off to family members and the people who have supported my endeavors these past few years. On a different note, I just got off the phone with my personal bank and will probably be closing all my accounts shortly. As it was the only national bank in the area before I moved, it seemed like the best choice but in less than 3 months they have managed to piss me off more times than I can count, since I can’t fix anything in a convenient matter, and “have to go to the branch,” when I go to the branch it will be to close all my accounts. At my new position I’m offered preferred accounts in an employee package that is pretty generous, so I’ll be taking advantage of that. I wanted to wait awhile before switching, but not having access to my debit card is beyond annoying.

This morning started off a little weird as well as the phone call with the bank I just endured. Abbigail and I got up and headed to the park as I have the day off. A good 1.2 mile walk and then a quick hair appointment and I’m home. I’ll give it a day or two to see if maybe it’ll grow on me, but when I tell someone to add blonde highlights to my hair and I end up with auburn streaks….well, I’m not even sure how the hell you make that mistake, but I’ll decide if I want to re-dye it in a couple of days and will stick to doing my own hair from now on. She did a great job cutting my hair, though I said 1.5 inches and she cut more like 3 or 4…it turned out fine and feels a lot healthier.

After getting home I packed up a picnic for Abbigail and I. My roommate works from home and had several back to back conference calls so I thought it would be nice to go sit by our pond for a bit. Abbigail loves it down there. I let her leash out as far as it will stretch so she can lay on the bank watching the ducks, other birds and chipmunks run around. We had our sandwich and I read for a bit. I’ve been struggling through a book since February. I’ll pass it on to my sisters soon. It was the last book Mom read. It’s not a bad book. A Sandra Brown novel, she’s a talented writer and I generally like her stories, I’m choking through this one though. Torn by wanting to know how it ends and sad at what happens inside my head when I do finish it.

Mom and I used to sort of book club novels. She’d read one and pass it to me, I’d read it and then we would talk it over, the parts we liked, the parts we didn’t. How we would have changed various elements. I want to know how the story ends, but then again I don’t. Just for the fact that I will never get to know what Mom thought of it. We ran out of time. Truth be told, somewhere in my head the story is already there. Mom didn’t have the strength or where-with-all to read the last couple chapters, so I read them allowed to her, but I don’t remember them. I remember Mom saying, “that was the best book.” when I finished the last page. But I can’t seem to recall anymore of the conversation. The last few weeks were so vivid at first, but they are finally starting to fade. I needed them to fade. There’s too much hurt and sorrow there.

My boyfriend keeps trying to drag happy memories out of me but every time I try to think of the happy moments in Oregon I come up blank. It’s like I’ve blocked out 65% of my life. I know my older sisters have blocked out most of their childhoods too. We had a decent family, but the bad always seems to outweigh the good. Not that there wasn’t plenty of happiness or good things, we were fortunate in a lot of ways and by far better off then most but the disastrous difficult things were so much more prominent and devastating, likely because when life was good, it was really good.

Last night I had a good cuddle night with my boyfriend. We both ended up with food poisoning from take out Chinese food Saturday and I have a UTI to top it off. Result: we feel like poo…so we cuddled up and had some Campbell’s chicken noodle soup and some grilled cheese sandwiches. The movie pick of the night was “Big Fish,” from the Tim Burton persuasion. One of my personal favorites, I hadn’t watched it in over a year. For such an intricate love story, I forgot what a truly remarkable tale it is and how fantastic the rich stories of an old man can be when they come to life.

What I didn’t bargain for were the sentiments that came out of the movie. For a son to watch his fathers movements in the last few days of his life, kind of struck a chord with me. Aside from worrying about my dad on a day-to-day basis, the idea of watching two people so meant for each other and seeing them try to deal with the obvious loss they are about to sustain reminds me so much of my parents.

Near the end of losing Mom, Dad struggled to hold onto the love of his life. A 45 year romance that was drifting into the breeze and over shadowed by a looming death. Both were severally ill and I wondered myself if I’d be letting go of one parent or two. The last couple weeks Dad couldn’t bear to see Mom as she wasted away. That didn’t stop them talking though, from door ways and through walls my parents would talk, telling the other how much they loved them and to just hold on another day. My Mom was concerned about my Dad and wanted to be able to take care of him as he returned home from the hospital after a 16 days stint and Dad, though having numerous stitches, staples and new medical issues to care for wanted to be by her side. I remember the look my Dad gave me when I told him he wouldn’t be able to share a bed with Mom anymore. They were both too fragile to be jostled by the other. So Dad stayed as close as he could to his dying wife while I ran back and forth between rooms trying to take care of everyone.

Watching “Big Fish ,” stirred a lot of emotions I’ve been trying to ignore. I always thought my parents were crazy getting married when they had just barely met. But. Sometimes love is so apparent, so strong, that it negates being a little crazy. My parents were made for each other. There’s a moment in the movie that the father is near passing and gets in the tub, fully clothed. Not to spoil the movie, but the man believes he is a fish, and spends a lot of time in the water, “so he doesn’t dry out.” His wife, who is the love object of his great tale, gets in the tub with him, fully clothed, but they are on such the same level that it is clear that the two were made to be together, even if a little silly and in their own world sometimes.

I cuddled up with my boyfriend last night, steadily wetting his shirt with the tears streaming down my face as the great love affair we were watching came to an end. I was thinking about Mom and Dad. The heartbreak in my Dad’s voice as it became apparent he could no longer care for the partner he had endured so much with. Good and bad they watched the family grow, loved ones lost, big changes and disasters, weddings and births, skinned knees and first bike rides. They dealt with it all together and I can’t imagine losing that after 45 years of marriage. Four daughters, 8 graduations, 3 weddings, 5 grand children, numerous vacations and life. Somehow in 45 years their life happened. And now its gone. The whole time Mom was passing, after we knew of course that we needed to make arrangements, she kept saying, “I just wanted 5 more.” Five more years of course. She wanted half a century with the man she loved and built a life with. Funny how it’s always the little things. Five more years…that was all she wanted. Of all the things she could have wished for, it was such a simple request.

I feel blessed. I asked for a new scene, a better start; a reason to believe in life, love and happiness again. I got Chicagoland. I couldn’t be luckier if I tried. It’s not often you get what you ask for, though I’ve always found that help is usually there if you ask for it.

Hawks all around

Somehow half of June is gone, I’m not sure what happened…but let me fill you in on the month thus far. Dad has finally had his reconstructive surgery from his medical issues this winter. I was very concerned that it might be too much for his body to handle, and after some slight complications he is finally home from the VA hospital and on the mend. It took a long time, a lot of frustration and anxiety, but he can finally start moving on with his life after recovery. His surgery went well enough, it was a long weekend for me, waiting for updates as they were passed along, but my sisters made themselves available to take care of Dad and our cousin Rhonda popped into the hospital a few times as well. I have a new appreciation for how Amy must have felt every time something has happened and she was out-of-state with no way to just drop everything and fly in. It’s nerve-racking looking at the phone every 5 minutes, worried half to death that something horrible is happening and you might have to hear it on the phone or be the last to know.

He had to have the surgery in Portland, which was far from ideal, but Dad seems to have made it out alive, all-be-it slightly annoyed at the 200+ mile trip with his belly cut open. I’m hoping his recovery goes smooth so he can get back to fishing and hunting and trying to at least enjoy some things in life. Patches seems to have held up okay with Sheri and the kids. I’m sure she had a blast with the chickens as well. Things have changed so much this year. We lost Mom and Jaws and I ran off to Chicago. We’ve almost lost Dad in the process and I’m very thankful he’s such a cantankerous old man, if he had any less spirit, I think I would be an orphan. I’m not ready for that. With Father’s day a couple days away, I’ve been in a random scramble of thoughts knowing I may not actually get to see my Dad alive again. I don’t know when my next trip will be, but visiting Oregon is definitely a stretch away. I’ve no want or will to go anytime soon. The distance has been an incredible comfort to me. And I intend to stay away for a good while.

Life for me is considerably better though. I’m into my 4^th class at Kosart Atelier and love every minute of it. Right now I’m sculpting what will be a face mask, either wearable or mountable, of my own design. I’ll unveil it when it is done, but I’m very excited about my progress and can’t wait to finish learning the processes of molding and casting so I can make future monsters on my own. Besides class, I’ve been working a lot. Training is proving an onerous task, but I know I’m up for it. I sorta chose to jump aboard a sinking ship, but I’m confident I’ll help it rise and really do enjoy my co-workers. The next few weeks are going to take a lot of my patience and definitely tax some of my more crafty people skills, but at the end of the day, I know if its not hard, it’s probably not worth doing. So I’ll stick it out and hope to see the fruits of my labor. There was a hiccup with my paycheck though so I’ve yet to get paid and that makes me nervous, but I’ll give it another week and see what happens. All in all, I’m confident I chose the right company and I do like a challenge, although tempers run a little hot and it’s definitely a stressful position. Thankfully I also found a fantastic guy that constantly gives me something to look forward to.

I’ve been exploring a bit. I also have a new appreciation for hockey! The Blackhawk’s won their 3^rd cup in 6 years on Monday. I’m very excited and have watched most of the play offs with Mike. He used to play and will likely join a league again in the future, so it’s been nice to hear a break down of plays and why it’s good or bad. I think I have a decent handle on the ins and outs now. By far the most exciting sport I’ve ever watched! From BBQ game nights with new friends, to country drives to awesome sports bars, Mike and I have been out a lot these last couple weeks and I fall more in love with him every time I see him. I think in Oregon I was too busy and jaded to consider that yes, there are good guys in this world, and yes, I can have one. I’m feeling extremely lucky to have found someone so completely like me and absolutely opposite at the same time!

He’s been spoiling me and I love it. From cozy nights in cooking together to extravagant nights out at places like Coopers Hawk, a local fine dining winery, he’s still sweeping me off my feet. I feel like a twitterpated 16-year-old, only we’re both old enough to know what we want for our futures and how to go about making it happen. It seems like every day I spend here, I know more and more that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I also love that Mike has an appreciation for art like myself and is a wonderful painter. I focus on a little more realism and he’s paints the most intricate and thoughtful abstracts I’ve seen in a long time, but somehow he manages to paint every emotion into them and it really is quite astonishing. For the first time in a long time, years perhaps, I feel like a whole person. I do find it rather disheartening that I wasted a good 5 or 6 years of my life in Oregon. I love my family and I know they are hurting right now, but I left home nearly two months ago, and people are just now noticing. I apparently didn’t make much of an impact on my friends and acquaintances, so I’m glad I hit the ground running here because I’ve found nothing but acceptance and a world I thoroughly enjoy.

It’s rather amusing, part of me wants to be depressed and sad, but the other part is so exuberant with all the positive changes in my life, it’s hard for me to even consider making monsters when all I want to do is sing and be bubbly. Of course, I’m still making monsters and Mike helped me finalize the concept for the current project I’m working on. It’s very complex but I truly do love how well our brains mesh and how he can put to words my thoughts before I can collect them, just by listening to the fragments I give him to consider. I’ll also be working with a haunted house group in the area this summer and fall so the creatively will just keep expanding! Again, it’s thanks to Mike for sharing his friends and introducing me to such awesome people.

I used to think my parents were insane for getting married mere weeks after they met. I think I understand the sentiment now. I’m not ready to run off to Vegas or anything crazy, crazy, but I think I finally understand what it means to fall in love with every part of someone, to wake up and want to see their face every day and to be near them every moment, just because they are that someone you click with immediately and want to spend every second with, that person that makes your heart flutter just because they said good morning or called to say goodnight. A year ago I would have said I was done with relationships; that I could care less about ever having a significant other stick around, now…I can’t wait to see what happens. I found destiny when I took the leap of faith and moved cross-country. I think I will be in awe of how fortunate I am for some time to come. Everything is turned on its head and it is fantastic.

Abbigail is adjusting well too. Since I started work we kind of have a schedule down, so she isn’t confused or sad. We go to a different park every few day and have chosen a couple we both really enjoy. We walk to the pond in our neighborhood quite frequently, today she even caught a baby bunny as it jumped out of the shrub we were walking by. I made her let it loose, but boy the excitement on her face when we got a hold of it. A look of pure pleasure and then the instant: “I got it! Now what do I do…” look was priceless. Still a country dog, I raised my girl right. I think it’s time we settled into the urban life though. I’ve only gotten lost and frustrated a couple of times. Funniest thing ever was getting lost a quarter block away from Mike’s place and having to call him for help in getting there. Boy was he smiling when I finally made it in one piece. Definitely entertaining on a daily basis here. I can’t wait to see how the next month goes. With the 4^th of July coming up and another KFX course next month, the summer is gonna kick off with a bang.

Perspective

My world is beyond incredible right now. I’m finally where I belong. It’s funny how you never really think about it. You’re born, you grow up and most people just settle for what they were raised around. Now and then people move from one town to another, but tend to stay close to what they know. I’m beyond thankful I took a leap. I feel like I’ve finally found the place I can flourish. A new job I absolutely love and can’t wait to sink my teeth into. I am truly excited to work for my current company. The message we are given is refreshing to see from a big corporation and more heartfelt that they do actually care about the people they employee, their families and the customers in which they serve. That is an amazing thing to see after the fight I’ve had over the last year.

Business aside, I feel complete. It’s like having a breath of fresh air after being locked up for eons. My boyfriend is truly a remarkable man. He’s thoughtful, intelligent, successful, and fast with a smile. He quite literally makes my heart melt. I’m putty in his hands and I never thought I would find myself being “that” girl or “that” disgustingly adorable couple walking down the street…and yet. It feels like fate has grabbed the reigns and we are just along for a happy ride.

I had probably one of the best weekends of my life this past Saturday and Sunday. I don’t want to say I didn’t have friends in Oregon. I had a handful of close people in my inner circle I could count on, and plenty of acquaintances, but I’ve fallen into a happy sphere of welcoming people and it makes me realize how much I’ve missed out on in my life. My boyfriend would say I’ve had the most exciting life ever. I pointed out perspective. To someone living a city life most the their lifetime, perhaps daily hikes, extreme activities, hunting, fishing, farming, ranching…sounds incredible. When in reality its mostly just hard work to make the ends meet. Or perhaps I just really know how to tell the story. I’m in awe of how fortunate my boyfriend is. He’s got friends and family that care about him, and amazing job and quite literally hundreds of activities at the tips of his fingers. Everything I’ve craved my entire life is mundane to him! It makes me smile knowing just how much we are going to teach each other and how incredible the journey we’re descending upon is going to be.

Saturday we were gearing up for a Chicago Blackhawks game (a big game, game 7 of the semi-finals) and we were invited to a friends house for a BBQ and some rowdy fun watching the game. I was prepping some Hawaiian steak kabobs and impaled my finger on a skewer, which made the weekend interesting for me, to say the least. I’ve been pulling little wooden splinters out of my index finger all weekend. I’ll definitely be more careful next time, although I must say I was being cautious from the start. I took a good chunk out of my hand. Lesson learned…I’ll grill corn separately and never put it on a kabob again. The game was a crowd pleasing time, our hosts are fantastic people and we had so much fun.

We’re becoming the cute couple cuddled up in the middle of the room, which is very not me, but so very much us, it’s probably disturbing. I love it. Everything around Mike is so easy and so fun. I don’t feel like I need to sensor myself or “be” any particular way. We just fit really well together. For being such opposite people from such massively different backgrounds our personalities and mind set are so on point its a little unnerving sometimes, but I don’t want it to ever end.

Sunday he took me into the city. First time around all the massive skyscrapers and easily the best date I’ve ever had, no contest. From a quick bagel for breakfast to the train ride in, we hit the streets and headed through the high rises to Millennium Park. We took a walk through The Bean, looked at awesome sculptures and fountains. We found easy amusement listened the small children scream bloody murder after a park attendant deflated a bounce house on them. Not that that should be funny, but parents were fast in action to getting their suffocating kids out of harms way, so we giggled. From Millennium Park, we headed to Navy Pier which was a blast and uber romantic. I keep wondering when Mike will stop sweeping me off my feet, but somehow I’m not sure that will ever end and I don’t really want it to.

At Navy Pier we opted to check out a fun house! It began with a mirror maze, in which we bounced around walls and kissed in the strobe lights stealing a first dance to the song neither of us can remember. We’ll figure it out eventually. Incredibly one of the most satisfying and lighthearted moments I’ve had in years, it was fun to act like kids again. Although we were quickly reminded of our age when we attempted to best each other in a human sized whack-a-mole game. Running around not- so-tiny rooms slapping at lights was something else and incredible fun! After leaving the fun house we got our chocolate fix with a piece of cake as we looked out of the pier. I have the hardest time not staring into his eyes for ages at a time. I feel so at peace with all the tragedy and hard moments in my life when we are together, it really is something else.

After we finished our cake we took a turn in the Ferris wheel looking out over the city and even though I was fighting to keep my nerves in check, it was just one more moment to add to my memory scrap book of us. He’s beyond sweet and makes me feel so secure, I barely noticed how high we were until I looked out and down, and even then, just being together told my mind everything was fine, to just chill out. He also made sure I had my first (and last) Chicago style hot dog. Sad to say, I won’t have another. They put poppy seed on the bun, which I am allergic to, so even though I scraped off most of it, my mouth still swelled a little and my face numbed out a bit.

We made our way to the Art Institute Museum. We strolled through exhibits and snuggled up indoors where it was a bit warmer. I was not paying attention and walking into a security cord which was a special kind of embarrassment, but all in all the visit was good and we saw some unique artwork.

The magical moment was sitting under trees with thousands of blossoms canopied above us as we discussed possibilities for our future. It really was the perfect setting and well thought out on his part. I’m such a lucky girl! He spoils me in so many ways, the best way…his time! I love that he will take the time to just be there, no matter what we are doing.

We had a great time in the city and finished our day trip with a walk to Buckingham Fountain, which is quite spectacular along the water front. And technically now I’ve been to Lake Michigan. I might take some heat for this, but I was unimpressed…I do feel fortunate to have seen so many wonders in this world. Even if one of them is just my boyfriend.