Jelly Beans

I’ve been trying to write for days now. I keep coming back to the thought of not knowing who the hell I am right now. Not a clue. Kinda have a direction, scary thoughts and some wild dreams, but how do you find your way when you really just don’t know which direction to go? Up, down, all around. Can’t go backwards, but where to go on? I almost had it while trying to nap the other day, but the thought was fleeting at best. Entertaining for me, to be sure, is the random contemplation. Mom’s time is coming to a close. Hospice is now in play and the outlook, though dire, will ultimately give us all peace. My head on the other hand is a disaster. A funky, fun one, but a tornado of emotion and random thought.

It’s like a weird Willy Wonka/Tim Burton/Lewis Carroll/Dr. Seuss mash-up in my head. A plethora of colors swirling around in my universe but no two stepping-stones close enough to take a leap for. My psychedelic nightmare converging in real life misery. I seriously keep waiting for the Cheshire Cat to pop up and give me directions through the forest of life. I wouldn’t say no to a conversation with Tweedledee and Tweedledum either! Lord knows I might find some of the answers I’ve been searching for in my sleep deprived state of mind.

“I’ll write something. It’s weird, I write all day and I have no idea who the hell I am right now. It’s hard to find a voice. I really am optimistic about the future, but I don’t think it’s translating…”

I was chatting with a friend earlier. I asked him what I should write about and his answer was him. I could I suppose. I try to keep my friends’ secrets rather than blogging about them, but perhaps that’s why I end up in the same sad loop. Not sure that’s the wisest choice. Before I say anything to anyone about anybody I know, I contemplate what they know about me. Do I want that privileged information shared? Probably not. I have a very close circle. It revolves around my sisters, a cousin and maybe 3 close friends. I’m typically a very private person. This blog is definitely out of the norm for me. My online accounts are out of their normal parameters right now too. I receive so many messages in my inbox that I found mass spewing of private information is actually the easiest way to cope. Maybe that’s why I’m not sure who I am anymore. I haven’t done anything normal in 5 months.

Jelly Beans. I’ve been contemplating about candy and all the different flavors and moods one has to be in to enjoy the different flavors and pairings. Sometimes you might want that burnt popcorn taste and others it’s safer to stick to the pear. Like the fog drifting around the trees in the forest around me, I can’t see clear enough right now to know what flavor is right for me. Do I want salty, sweet, sour, chocolate, fruity, spicy…who the hell knows. The fun part is rediscovering I think, but what happens when you try something and absolutely hate it. Unlike jelly beans, life doesn’t offer many second chances and once you take that first step, is it even possible to return? I know I can’t go back. I was happy and now I’m not and it is up to me and me alone to fix that. But how far is too far and what happens when I get where ever it is that I decide to go? Life is a tricky bitch, luckily my folks raised me to stand up for myself and work hard for what matters. I guess this is the world challenging me to find a new place, a new reason to be. 

It’s not often you get to completely re-invent yourself. But given that my world has indeed shattered into the abyss, its time to start putting a more positive spin on life. I can do whatever I want. It’s not going to be easy and I’ll likely be broke before I figure things out, but I have an opportunity to change things up. I’ve lost my job, I’ll have to move soon, and most of my friends have deserted me, so why not?? Why not bust out of the boring ass mold I’ve found myself stuck in?

My creativity the last couple weeks has sparked, ignited if you will and I find that I take more chances now then I ever would have 4 months ago. I’ve come to realize that if I don’t relinquish control of some things I’m never going to survive this fucked up thing we call life. A jolt in the right direction? I keep coming back to Art. Painting, writing, photography. I would shrivel up in a corner without the outlet right now. I kinda dig it. Dark indeed are my thoughts, but there is a whole world of dark art out there, maybe I’ll tap into it. Put my misery on paper, paint it on canvas with just a hint of the happy that used to be. A direction…I think more like a life plunge, but I get closer every day to taking it. Lose ends are holding me down for now, but the wind is changing and I’m about to set sail on a wild adventure only my imagination can steer.